The Easiest Way to Grow Strong Relationships is the Hardest Thing to do

Relationships are important for all of us, but what it takes to build a strong one might surprise you.

People who have strong, close and healthy relationships, personally and professionally, yield happier, more fulfilled and more productive lives. At a time when close relationships are down double digit percentages over the last few decades, growing strong relationships seems more important than ever. 

I started looking into this while going through a challenging time in a personal relationship. During difficult times it’s so easy to back out of a connection – literally or figuratively. Have you ever done that before? I certainly have. But that approach is only adding to the count of people with fewer strong connections. There’s another way.

What builds strong connections is actually a little bit counterintuitive. Time, of course, is a factor. The more time we spend together, the more experience is shared, hence the stronger we’ll be connected. 

But the other major (and perhaps, arguably, more important) factor is: trauma. Specifically, shared trauma. And in this case, I mean trauma in the most general sense (hardship, difficulty, pain, loss, etc.). If this sounds unlikely to you, please hear me out on this topic as I’m not looking to offend anyone.

Research and personal experience demonstrates that time and trauma, when shared, bonds people to come out stronger together on the other side. (I could say Days and Discomfort to be more on brand, but you get the idea :). 

Just like you tear muscle at the gym to build a bigger bicep. Or metalworkers stress metal to make it tougher.

Relationships, too, require stress sometimes to grow stronger. 

I’m willing to bet that you’ve been through some crazy-tough times with the people you’re closest to. Some of those hardships were experienced together. But maybe you’ve shared about difficulties you’ve been through solo, as well. Sharing those experiences or memories of those experiences together creates trust, connection and strength. In a study done by Dr. Jim Coan at the University of Virginia, he found that shared pain brings people together and is one of the “surest ways to create deeper relationships!”

But it doesn’t happen automatically. Relationships may require stress to grow stronger, but you have a choice of what you want to use that stress for. You can use it to choose to move on from a relationship (a co-worker, partner, boss, friend, family-member) – and that might be totally appropriate. Or, you can choose to use that strain as an opportunity to build a stronger connection. A connection that has more depth, mutual appreciation, respect, and (of course) strength. Easy to say, much harder to do. 

I’ve heard some incredible, vulnerable stories from people in the #NoMatterWhat Community. People that are going through financial hardships, business problems, relationship strains, physical ailments, even losing people that they’re closest to. If you’re looking for connection, strength and inspiration, join me in the #NoMatterWhat Facebook group here and share what it is you’re going through. I (and many) will have your back and we’ll see if we can’t reverse those stats on declining connections, even just by a little bit.

Some bad news: it’s always too late to go back in a relationship timeline and change something in the past. You did what you did. What happened, happened. What was said, was said. But it’s never too late to take what you did, what happened and what was said – as painful as it may be – and use it to grow a stronger relationship, together.

That’s the side I’ll always lean towards and I hope you’ll join me – #NoMatterWhat.