39 Lessons in my 39 Years
There are 39 things that I’ve learned in my 39 years that have made a huge difference in my business and life. I just celebrated my birthday, now stepping into the last year of my 30s! (yes, I think worthy of an exclamation mark). Every year at about this time, I reflect on some of the most important lessons I’ve learned thus far.
I heard early on that the best way to learn how to do something is to do it yourself, so that has been my approach. To use myself as an experiment to understand what growth looks like, feels like and what it actually takes. I’ve chosen to test ideas, push the status quo and question even basic ideas that most take for granted.
And let’s be real, I’m pretty stubborn… so much of what I’ve learned has been learned the hard way.
At first I wanted to learn “life’s lessons” to help myself. But the more I understood and obsessed about growth, I realized the very things I learned could be an immense help to others. These ideas aren’t intended to be an endpoint or even a complete list. They’re simply a beginning for you to reflect on, think about, and see if these same principles hold true for you. So here it goes, the 39 things I’ve learned in my 39 years.
Everyone gets knocked down; it’s how fast you get up that makes a difference
I sold my first company to a group in Silicon Valley that raised over $550M USD. Working with them was like a scene out of Wolf of Wall Street, at least until the housing market collapsed and our funding dried up. I agonized about things I could have, would have, should have and wished I’d done after the company went bankrupt. Hindsight can be a brutal teacher. It was years before I was able to put myself back together, only to get knocked down in big and small ways time and time again. But I grew stronger and wiser from each experience. Everyone gets knocked down. There’s a time for reflection and understanding about what could have made a difference. That’s how you learn. But the faster you get up, dust yourself off and put those learnings into practice, the faster you can move on and grow.
The monster under the bed is you
For me the monster wasn’t under the bed, it was in the deep, dark (and cold) basement in the house where I grew up. Of course, I outgrew being afraid for my life because of monsters, but I didn’t outgrow fear. The fear simply translated into other areas that were just as scary as I grew up, like big tests, public speaking, or being held accountable. Fear of discomfort is the biggest inhibitor of growth because we worry about what could go wrong and that prevents us from going after it fully. What’s real is different from the story we make up about it. There’s power in understanding that the story of fear comes from you.
Be willing to be the fool
I have a client that was very successful in sales, but it wasn’t her passion. She wanted to get into fitness coaching. The problem was, she would have to start back at the bottom of the ladder in the fitness world and that was a sticking point for her at the time. To really learn, you have to be willing to fail and willing to look bad. She was so accustomed to the comforts of being on top, being successful and being known, stepping back to the bottom was hugely uncomfortable. But ultimately she just did it, and what a difference it made in her life! The more we’re willing to be the fool, the more and faster progress we can make.
Have a friend more successful than you
My mom was right on this one and I don’t think I appreciated it enough until the last few years. I’ve been watching as my young nieces grow from babies to older toddlers. It’s absolutely fascinating to observe how they learn the majority of what they know, use, and do by copying those around them. As adults we think that we can outgrow that. We don’t. In fact, when we start to realize that we’re consciously and unconsciously picking up habits, perspectives and ideas, it becomes even more powerful. You can’t shake how important the people around you are, so choose wisely and learn to work with it to your advantage.
Follow the laws, break the rules
If you want to launch a new company, there are countless books, advisors and consultants that can help. There’s a place for that, but all they’re going to show you is how others have done it. Breakthrough success comes from approaching things from new and different perspectives, not asking how something is done, but how it could be done. The “right” way is only how someone else has done it.
The right way doesn’t guarantee results
I spent years of my education and career trying to do things the “right” way. The right way to build a presentation, the right way to dress, the right website copy. I figured (correctly) that if it didn’t work out nobody could question my approach. What you and everyone else in the world really wants isn’t the right approach, it’s the right result. I’m not suggesting doing anything unethical here, but doing it the right way doesn’t always guarantee results, it only guarantees you have an excuse.
Things that matter take time
In the Black Hills of South Dakota I sat in awe of Mt. Rushmore and the Crazy Horse Memorial, carved from solid mountains of granite. It was estimated that Crazy Horse would take 100 years to complete and already 70 years in, it draws countless visitors year around. The things that make a difference and end up really mattering take time and effort. Time to build relationships, time to build businesses or time to keep your health. There are no quick fixes. Better to put in the time than constantly looking for shortcuts.
You cannot win a fight with the past
I was part of an angel investment group in Southern California for a while and one of my all-time favorite startup pitches I listened to was for a time machine. I’m not kidding. It didn’t raise any capital from our group (for obvious reasons), but can you imagine the relief you might feel if you were able go back in time, armed with the knowledge you gained from experience, and cure all the “could haves” “should haves” or unfulfilled wishes of the past. Going back in time is impossible. Instead of fighting what could have been, let go of it to be with what is.
Knowledge alone is useless
You can get a PhD in swimming and it will make no difference the first time you get pushed in a pool if you’ve never been in the water, only read about it. Knowledge alone doesn’t do any good. It must be applied and eventually embodied to have any real impact. Sometimes, you need to give yourself to the unknown as not knowing is the greatest superpower of them all. It’s only within the unknown that anything new might be truly possible. The complexity of humanity and the world leaves you never seeing the whole picture; stay humble to something greater than what you already have learned.
Use caution with answers
The marketing world has gotten so good at presenting problems it seems like all we’re looking for is answers. The answer to find, solve or fix just about anything. We need some of those answers, but as soon as we find one we shouldn’t just close the door to anything else and other possible solutions. Find the answer, and then look for a better one.
You can’t see your own potential
You can never see your own face live, only reflections of it in mirrors or cameras. Your potential is very similar. Rarely do you see all of it, you see reflections in your results. Some accurate, many probably not. It’s only through working with others can you start to see the real potential inside yourself.
Sustaining discomfort is a competitive advantage: Hunt it
Discomfort is guaranteed in this lifetime and if you don’t ever feel it you’re either not born yet or dead. Instead of waiting for discomfort to find you ill prepared and weak, hunt discomfort on your terms to grow. You go to the gym to build your biceps. You hunt discomfort to build your resiliency. If you can wait in the discomfort of the unknown for longer and stay strong when conditions are unfavorable, you ultimately have a much better shot of coming out on top.
Human emotions aren’t a la carte
Emotions are emotions and you either choose to let yourself feel them or not. You can’t select to only feel the good ones and block out the challenging ones. If you block out challenging emotions you block out all emotions. Missing real joy and happiness in your life? Let some of the tougher emotions in as well and I promise you it will show up.
Emotions are relative
You can’t feel happier than happy or sadder than sad. Emotions calibrate to the experience of your life. Just because someone has had a tangibly worse or better experience doesn’t mean anything. We all bask in the same breadth of emotions and thinking yours aren’t appropriate for some reason only invalidates your own personal experience.
Body, mind and spirit
Without a body to use it, a mind to go through it, and a spirit to experience it — anything else we do doesn’t mean much. Take care of your health: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It’s the vehicle we have in this life and I hear we only get one of them.
Your results are proportional to your relationship with reality
Words can mask reality if you let them. Speak the truth and work on what’s true. The better you get at it the better your results will be.
Get a Tattoo
Commit just as deeply as getting a tattoo, where there’s no going back. Once you commit, you move forward from that point because it’s metaphorically tattooed on you. You free yourself from the constant questions of what came before. Commitment doesn’t limit, it frees.
There’s strength in every weakness
Did you ever want to hide your weaknesses? To cover up the proverbial warts? There’s inherent strength in those things, if you take time to find them. A friend of mine and UK rapper Zuby turned getting de-platformed from Twitter into a song that attracted countless new followers [Read: Making A Difference With What You Believe In]. Don’t hide the “bad” things, use them to your advantage.
Swap your struggle for conviction
If you’re dwelling in the struggle, it makes it very hard to do much else. Maybe even impossible. Instead of wishing for more resources. More time. More money. Instead of counting on what you already know, bring yourself back why you’re doing it to begin with. Bring back the conviction to move ahead #NoMatterWhat.
An open mind means nothing without an open heart
You can say you’re open minded all day long. If you’re not willing to open your heart and actually see another’s point of view, your open-mindedness is a facade.
Your discipline is only as good as your purpose, and your purpose is only as good as your discipline
Discipline without purpose is dead and devoid of potential [Read: It’s Not Discipline That You’re Missing]. Potential needs discipline to be realized. Without both you’re dead on arrival.
Mistakes aren’t always bad
If Alexander Fleming hadn’t mistakenly contaminated a laboratory sample, he wouldn’t have discovered the anti-bacterial that became Penicillin. Mistakes shouldn’t be viewed as bad and can sometimes they can yield unexpected and positive results. Don’t give yourself such a hard time. Learn from mistakes, acknowledge them, and move on.
Time will rob you of possibilities if you don’t choose
Suzy Kassem said self-doubt kills more dreams than failure does. Letting self doubt leave you indecisive will make indecision, the decision. Time doesn’t stop for any of us, unless we pick a direction and move on it, time will eventually rob you of that potential.
Miserable now = what later?
If you don’t like your job, career path, where you live, the relationship you’re in or anything else, waiting for something to change won’t change much. If you’re not happy with the direction you’re headed now, do something about it.
Change your toothbrush!
It’s 6 months into 2021… if you haven’t changed your toothbrush yet this year, consider this your friendly reminder. Most dental professionals recommend changing it at least every 3-4 months. Save yourself a trip to the dentist ;).
With age comes wisdom
I’m starting to notice that only with time do certain things reveal themselves. I’m not old (and not claiming to be), but in the short time I’ve been here I’ve realized the tremendous perspective and depth that time brings. Age teaches people in a way that nothing else can.Learn from it.
Winning isn’t the point
I used to hate that saying: “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”. Not because I didn’t agree, but probably because I only heard it from those who didn’t win and it seemed to invalidate the victory. Letting go of my ego about winning enabled me to see how true that statement really is. Winning might give you the trophy and the awards, but if you don’t acquire the necessary growth, ethics and morality along with it, you’re missing the point.
Faking anything hurts more than it helps
Yes, anything. Pretense only hides the truth and leaves people resentful about it. The truth will always prevail in the long run. Always opt for raw and real over good or easy. [Read: What Indiana Jones Teaches Us About Business]
Build a Street Gang
Not with switch blades and cutlass, nothing illegal here. But a gang that will have your back #NoMatterWhat. Especially when there are things for you to know that maybe you don’t want to hear. Wanting hard feedback is popular to say… easy to avoid because it doesn’t feel good. But it is what will make you better. You cannot win alone.
Forget your dreams and it’s your own peril
You can let go of your dreams but your dreams don’t let go of you. If you don’t address them, they’ll haunt you until you do. I’ve seen friends go through the classic mid-life crisis and others wait until it’s too late. Don’t lose sight of what matters to you.
#NoMatterWhat
The answers aren’t out there. You can live a life trying to figure it out depending on what happens. Or, you can live a life knowing that #NoMatterWhat happens, you can figure it out. There’s always a reason, an excuse, or a circumstance waiting to defer to. But the answer is you. If you want it, go get it, you’re the only one that can do something about it. Don’t let yourself off the hook.
Reality is. Our beliefs about it are pliable.
Most of the world believed that running a sub-4 minute mile was impossible. At least until Roger Banister did it [Read: The Contagion of Beliefs]. What can and cannot be done in the world often is not a function of any objective reality, it’s purely a function of your beliefs. If you don’t have the results you want, try changing your beliefs about it.
Self doubt is a blessing
Without self doubt, there would be no growth, because there’s nothing to grow from. We’re not going to eliminate self doubt. But we can learn how to work with it to advance where we want to go.
Surrender yourself
The Phoenix rising from the ashes is a classic symbol of rebirth around the world. As inspiring as rising is, in order to rise you have to fall. You have to surrender what you think you are for the potential of what you could be. Break in order to build. The better you get at giving up who you think you are and the beliefs you hold, the faster, more adaptable and the more successful you will become.
What you’re thinking is no match for what you truly believe
A belief is a deeply held perspective, usually attached to some emotion. If you believe a co-worker isn’t good at a particular task, how will you treat that person? Or, if you believe that a project timeline is absolutely impossible, how hard are you going to work on that? (hint: not very hard). Slap whatever “mindset” or “thinking” you like on top of it, our beliefs are still driving.
Slow down to speed up
Being too busy with the rat race of life will keep you in the rat race. Only by slowing down and stepping back can you start to see the things that will ultimately make a difference.
Forgive
You already know that acid does more damage to the container in which it’s held than the object on which it’s poured. Let go of wrongdoings, dislikes and judgements and forgive. Most importantly, forgive yourself.
The way out is through
Robert Frost said it first, but to me it’ll always be my mom. And It means go through the unknown, the uncomfortable — what you’re looking for is on the other side [Watch: Discomfort is Necessary for Innovation]. You can’t remove tough emotions, you grow from them. If you’re not willing to go through the fear, anger and grief you have, don’t wonder why you can’t find what you’re looking for.
Celebrate the joy
For as much as we go through… the good, the bad and even the ugly, we get to have this human experience. We get to revel in the joy of being alive. Don’t forget to celebrate this opportunity every step of the way. It’s healthier, too. Celebrating once a day keeps the doctor away.
I could keep going, but we’ll save that for next year. 39 is probably more than enough, right?
Trust me though, it’s a much longer list… For now, use these ideas, question these ideas, and add them to your repertoire if they work for you. Even if they don’t, or if you disagree with some, I want to hear from you. Join me in the #NoMatterWhat Community as we unpack some of these ideas this week and talk about how they’re playing out in life and business. Should be a lot of fun.
Now… I’m not sure where all the years have gone, maybe you can let me know how they go by so quickly. But I’m certainly grateful to be here now. The things I’ve accomplished (and not accomplished) the places I’ve been, and most importantly, the people I’ve met along the way, have meant everything. I couldn’t be more excited for what’s to come -- both for me and for all of us.
Here’s to wherever you’re at, here’s to the year ahead and here’s to results, #NoMatterWhat.